I hope you had a great Valentines day. I did, but that's just because I didn't do anything special.
My whole idea is to have EVERY day be as good as a holiday, so you don't need these ridiculous made up ones.
A quick word of advice on Valentines day for next year: go out! There's no other day that has that many SINGLE and LOOKING women on the prowl.
Moving on to this week's e-mail:
I'm a 21 year old guy in the Navy and I'm around females 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I have a lot of friends and almost all of them are females. Yet, when I get interested in a girl, I tend to push them away somehow. I'm not quiet, shy, or nervous and everybody tells me that I'm not half bad to look at either, so that's not the problem. All of my friends tell me that I give my heart out to a girl to quickly and then it gets trampled on. I tend to fall for a girl really easily and then I say the "L" word too soon. I'm tired of pushing a girl away with too much love. I just want to be with a chick (or chicks) without all the hassle. What do I do to fix myself to make a girl actually want to date me?
Thanks a Mil',
First off, I'd like to compliment you on two things:
1. Fantastic initial. Studies show that people with a T for a first initial are better in every way than people with other initials.
2. Your e-mail was the best written one this week. There was another one I wanted to answer, but it had so many things like "ru shure?" that I couldn't bear to use it.
I've got a couple friends in the Navy, and the one thing they constantly complain about is that there are NO women where they are. What sort of special detail are you on?
Seriously, though, your problem is a SERIOUS one and a COMMON one. It's also VERY close to my heart.
I once wrote a SONG for a girl who I hadn't talked to in two years and mailed it to her because I thought I was in love with her.
Yep. Thank god for the game!
So, believe me unless you're shipping off a few CDs a week, you're probably in better shape than I was. And if I can stop that crap, then so can you.
I know you've heard this stuff a million times, but girls are DYING for a guy that they can chase. I don't advocate making them chase you because I think it's fun (although it is) I do it because it WORKS BETTER.
Here's an ideal situation for a girl:
1. She meets a guy who is CONFIDENT and DIFFERENT and HARD TO READ. He asks for her number but she's not quite sure he's going to call.
2. She gets the drama and emotional roller coaster of wondering whether or not he's going to call. She talks to her girlfriends about him and builds him up in her head.
3. He calls and invites her to hang out. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Does he like me?
4. She goes to meet up with him, he is super interesting, confident, and fun. She starts to feel like she's winning him over, and eventually they hook up.
Think about how that would FEEL for a girl. It would be fun. It would be an adventure.
Now consider how it normally works:
1. She meets a guy and gives him her number. SHE'S not sure how she feels about him.
2. He calls and asks her on a date. She feels no excitement, but decides to give him a chance.
3. He brings flowers, instantly making her feel awkward, and brings her to an expensive restaurant. They interview each other for an hour, and then he pays.
4. He walks her to her door and goes for the goodnight kiss that she was expecting all night. Whether she concedes or not is irrelevant.
How does she feel this time? Bored. She knows what's coming and didn't get any sort of challenge.
Now, I'm not saying that's exactly your MO, but I bet that your MO gives her the same (nonexistant) emotions.
So, from a point of view of what SHE wants, it's NOT for you to come on strong. I think that's a common misconception in the pickup community. We're not WITHHOLDING what she wants, we're GIVING IT to her.
This may seem counterintuitive, but you're NOT being authentic when you come on strong in the beginning.
Do you REALLY love her?
CAN you really love her before you know her?
NOPE. You can be attracted, but you aren't in love with her. Acting like you love her is actually just neediness manifesting itself.
It's subcommunicating, "I'm needy and I REALLY want to be in love with you."
She may very well fall in love with you later, but if she sees you falling in love too early, she'll stomp on the breaks.
Ok, so let's talk about a few practical things you can do to work on this problem.
1. NO paying for anything (gifts, dates, etc.)
2. NO compliments.
3. NO asking what she wants to do (be the decision maker, don't force her to be).
4. NO saying "I love you" until she does.
And this last one goes for EVERYONE:
5. NEVER ask about the relationship. EVER. "Where is this going? Do you like me? Do you want to be my girlfriend? Did you have fun? Do you want to see me again?"
These are all terrible questions that show massive insecurity and neediness.
I'm not saying to NEVER do 1-4, but I'm saying as an exercise to try avoiding them for a couple months. See where that leaves you and then maybe add in a little bit of complimenting (but I'd still leave the others out).
Best of luck, and if you ever run into my Navy friends, show them where the girls are!
P.S. If you're not totally happy with your dating life and you have a specific question you'd like answered, or a situation you'd like help with, send me an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. If I pick your e-mail for my weekly newsletter, I'm going to send you a free copy of ALL of my products to get you headed down the right track.
Recommended books (downloadable pdfs):Dr Peter Davies - Big Picture Of Health
Anthony Berger - Improve Your Looks By 3 Notches
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