I'm not a biologist, but I've always found it suspicious how evolutionary psychology always seems, in these cases, to confirm some corny prejudice about men and women. Still, leaving that aside, there's no denying that the evidence suggests that men, on the whole, are less faithful than women, more likely to cheat on their partners. Could this be because men just aren't really interested in monogamy to begin with?
Let me just wander off my main point for a moment here to talk about the difference between infidelity and a relationship that just isn't monogamous. I've been in several non-monogamous relationships, either because the relationship was just starting and neither of us was ready to commit, or because an open relationship was what both partners wanted. There are a lot of stereotypes about open or polyamorous relationships, and a lot of them are unfair. In my experience, they're as likely to be loving and honest as any other relationship. Of course, you're just as likely to drive each other nuts as any other relationship.
But the questions women tend to ask about men and monogamy don't relate to those kinds of relationships. They're about cheating - about why men who "say" they want monogamy don't "act" like they do. Why do men commit with the mouth but not with the heart?
Maybe "heart" is the wrong word in this context.
This is a difficult question for me to answer, actually; believe it or not (and many wouldn't) I have never cheated on a partner. But I do think I can address the question. I've been tempted to cheat, certainly. I think most men have. In fact, I'll expand that: I think most people have. And I know why I was tempted, and why I successfully resisted that temptation. I'm not saying I'm the most virtuous guy in the world; I think circumstances play a role, as much as anything else. But I think a lot of men are like me. It's not that they are not interested in monogamy, it's just that monogamy isn't as straightforward as they were led to believe. A committed relationship takes continual work; it's not something you "are", it's something you "do".
A committed relationship is an ongoing process of small compromises and tiny, patient acts of affection. It's a tremendously powerful thing, but sometimes it's easy to overlook its virtues. The start of a relationship is always exciting; the uncertainty, the tension, the unfulfilled desires. It's not that a long-term monogamous relationship can't be exciting, but it doesn't stay that way by itself. Both partners have to put in work to make that happen, and many people either don't know how or don't feel like they have the time or energy. For many men, that excitement is the reason they cheat. Being with someone new allows them to recapture that initial rush of a new connection, to feel the thrill of another person's uncomplicated desire. This is also one reason that men flirt with new women even when they have no intention of cheating.
This was the source of my temptation. I once had a good female friend who I knew through a shared hobby. She had a boyfriend of her own; in fact, he and I were friends. Over the length of time that I got to know her, it became clear to me that our behavior was shading from just talking into flirting, and that the possibility for something else existed. It's hard, in hindsight, to point to any one moment where you could say "this is where we might have kissed", but it was clear enough. And it was tempting, I won't lie: here was a woman who saw me in the way I wanted to be seen. She saw and praised my good qualities but didn't know me well enough to know my flaws. Likewise, I didn't have to see all the ways in which we were incompatible, but I got to see all the things we had in common. Flirting with her felt exciting, uncertain, adventurous - and I was able to tell myself that it was all innocent, so I didn't feel any guilt.
Of course, in my case it did turn out to be innocent in the end. We drifted apart for one reason or another, and our conversations went back to just being friendly. She was committed to her relationship as I was to mine, and the opportunity passed. I'm glad it did, really; I "hope" I would have done the right thing, but why put yourself to the test if you can avoid it?
I'm speaking here, of course, of men who, while they cheat, still do want to remain in relationships. Some men cheat because they're unhappy in their relationship but don't have the heart to break up. Instead, they do things, perhaps unconsciously, that will lead to the relationship failing. I have never been one of these guys, but I've seen it a dozen times. It's always worse than any other possible option. This can apply to women as well, so both male and female readers take note: 1) End relationship. 2) New relationship. IN THAT ORDER.
Some cheaters, by the way, are actual scumbags - callous, self-centered individuals who only care about their own satisfaction and are happy to deceive others in its service. But I think - and maybe I'm just na"ive - that these are actually far rarer than the previous two types I've discussed. Most people have a great capacity for self-deception.
Now, none of the above is specific to men. This is more an answer to the question "why people cheat" rather than "why men cheat". I think the key difference is probably in what men are lead to expect from relationships. I don't think women's expectations of relationships are more realistic than men's, necessarily, but they're unrealistic in different ways. I think that the idea that a relationship is something that takes steady work in order to remain fulfilling is something that most women are pretty aware of. Women, at least in my experience, seem to be better prepared for the changing emotional life of a relationship. Role models for men are either young, cool guys who get the girl or steady, patrician dads who provide for a stable and contented family. How you get from A to B is something no one ever tells you.
Men feel conflicted and uncertain about becoming their fathers; hold the front page.
Now, that being the case, I don't want you to think for a minute that I'm saying men shouldn't be held responsible for their actions. Even though I think that some cheaters, more than you might expect, are still serious about their relationships, the hard fact of life is that we are responsible for our own actions. If you promise to be faithful to someone and you're not, they might forgive you, but they don't "have" to and you can't really blame them if they don't. Maybe it was just a mistake, but being held responsible for your mistakes is part of being a grownup. You don't get out of that by blaming the person you wronged.
I'm also not saying that women just have to put more work into a relationship in order to prevent cheating. In order for it to work, "both" parties have to be willing to nurture that spark, and they have to be sincere in their desire to make it work. Maybe recognizing the signs when your boyfriend starts to feel the energy of flirting can tell you when a gentle nudge is required. A responsible lover will thank you for the reminder - but if an irresponsible one ignores it, that's on him.
Recommended books (downloadable pdfs):
Amy Waterman - Your Guide To Stronger RelationshipsCr James - Perceptions
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