READER QUESTION:
I am almost 42 and I have yet to find myself in a long-term relationship. It seems that men my age want women who are younger, and younger men just want to have some fun. I want marriage and kids, but things are starting to look pretty bleak now.
I think I have it all - good job, good looks, fit, smart, witty - so why isn't the man of my dreams showing up? Usually what happens is that I meet a great guy, we go on a couple of dates, and then he disappears out of my life. Is it me? Or are all men just looking for a bigger, better deal? And for the record, I'm not sleeping with them - most of them, anyway.
ANNA
J.M. KEARNS ANSWER:
You ask some good questions, and you make great observations. Your problem is all too real - but there is a solution!
You got it right: many men in their 40s are looking for younger women, and many younger men, though interested in older women, are looking for an adventure (featuring sex) more than a commitment to marriage and kids.
So what are you to do?
CAN OLDER WOMEN HAVE MARRIAGE AND KIDS?
You're already halfway to the answer because you are honest enough to correctly assess the odds. The truth is, it is harder for a woman in her 40s to find a guy who wants marriage and kids with her. If you just wanted a good partner, that would be easier. But you want to start a family. Many people in their 40s have already had kids, or don't want to.
So, in fact, the odds are somewhat steep.
But the good news is, you can beat the odds.
The way to do this, which I describe in detail in my book" Mr Right Can't Find "is to focus on the guy who is what you want, and forget about all the guys who aren't.
Concentrate on the guy out there who is a real match for you, not only in the sense that he has the potential to be your best friend and lover, but also in the sense that he shares your goals and your perspective at this point in your life, which is ultimately marriage and kids. He may be 30 or he may be 40 or even 50, but the bottom line is, he wants to have kids with someone like you.
Maybe he missed out on having them, so far. Maybe he never met the right person and he didn't want to do such an important thing with the wrong person. So he waited, but he hasn't given up.
MR. RIGHT IS LOOKING, TOO
And guess what? The fact that you want marriage and kids will actually be an advantage with him.
You say, "I think I have it all - good job, good looks, fit, smart, witty". That is wonderful to hear, because I sense that on top of being a very attractive and accomplished woman, you have solid self-esteem.
That means that the right guy is going to go gaga over you. And by the way, he will have these same qualities (job, looks and brains): he will have his act together. And he will want someone your age.
"So why isn't the man of my dreams showing up?" you ask. Well, the short answer is, because that isn't how it works. The right person doesn't just "wash up on your shore", at least not for most of us, not after we leave college and are out in the hectic working world.
You can't rely on destiny to do the work, or serendipity, or your well-intentioned friends or relations. You need to be proactive and go out there and find the partner you want.
But here's another piece of good news: you have an ally in your quest. He is out there looking for you, right now. If he wasn't looking for you, he wouldn't be the right man for you. I'll talk in a moment about how to find him, but first let me make a very important observation.
He's looking, but he is wary. With good reason.
Recommended books (downloadable pdfs):
Iris Macfarlane - India And MarriageGlad - Marriage Tips And Traps
Emma Goldman - Marriage And Love
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