The Secret Of Small Talk

Once you've broken the ice with an effective opening, you can pretty much say whatever you want, as long as you remember some simple guidelines: 1) Listen attentively to what she has to say - not only are you giving her the impression that she can "talk to you about anything" (a rare trait in men that many women are attracted too), but you're also picking up on key phrases that she's using, which makes it easy to keep the conversation going. 2) As you're listening attentively and picking up on key phrases that she's using, look for opportunities to sprinkle in some background information about yourself. Not much, just enough to let her know that you're not a serial killer and that you have friends. In this first conversation, here's an excellent opportunity to plant the seeds of attraction, and you do this by playing off her imagination (See "Enigma", Section 1, The Seven Elements of Charisma) .

If you can somehow relate to anything she's saying, as soon as she pauses for a breath, let her know that you can relate, but don't make a big deal about it. Then, rather than change the subject, go back in time twenty seconds and pick up the conversation before you had cut in. By not making a big deal out of the fact that the two of you share something in common, you immediately put her mind to work. Suddenly she's not sure what your motives are. In general, when a woman is in conversation with a guy she's never met, in the back of her mind she's looking for signs that the guy is somehow interested in her. Guys who are obviously interested are very predictable, with little challenge or mystery to them whatsoever. So here's an opportunity to present yourself as a challenge - using the element of enigma, you're goal is to tap into her imagination and make her wonder whether you're interested or not (Psychologically, this works at almost all stages of the dating game, and a very popular tactic women use on men). If you're interested, you're interested. If you're not interested, you're not interested. But if she's not sure, you suddenly present yourself as a challenge, which (worth repeating a thousand times over) women are known to be attracted to. Generally when you tell a woman that the two of you have something in common, nine times out of ten it has the same effect as a pick up line - she thinks that you're trying to con her and it blows up in your face. Don't tell her you have something in common - show her by acting like you can relate to what she's saying. She'll realize on her own that the two of you have something in common and the effect is a hundred times greater.

What are small talk killers? Pay attention - what follows are common mistakes many guys make when having a conversation with a women for the first time:

1) Don't express interest in her sexually (in any way), be it with your eyes, posture, or words.
2) Don't give her the third degree: In other words, avoid firing off questions, one after the other.
3) Don't tell her too much about yourself (for example, your life story), because:
a) You may come across as if you're trying to impress her with words.
b) You may come across as if you "talk too much".
c) She may think that you're full of yourself.
d) You don't leave anything to her imagination.
4) Don't come across as too-cocky (cocky is good, but in moderation), too-cool (cool is good, but again in moderation), macho, or chauvinistic. On the flip side, don't come across as "too nice". Unless she's under the effects of alcohol, a woman's walls are usually up when meeting or being approached by a guy she's never met before. And some women's walls are up thicker than others. Your goal in the early stages of the conversation process is to tear down her walls and make her feel at ease in your presence. You can easily do this by assuming an "innocent" role. In your mind you should have no notion of bedding her, only of making a new friend. In fact, the moment you talk to a woman with absolutely no thoughts of sex, the pressure is off and you can talk to her as if you would talk to anyone else. So don't stare at her (keep eye contact, just don't overdo it), and don't lick your lips! The secret of small talk is to get her to open up to you, at the same time dropping in bits and pieces about yourself so that she will feel familiar with you and more at ease. One of the most effective means to small talk is to empathize and "be there" with her.

Empathic listening , in fact, is considered to be emotionally seductive because a woman thinks that you share her feelings: pain, fear, anger, elation. As you listen to her, be truly attentive, and don't jump in immediately with something to say in response, as if you're her opponent in a talking contest. Too many guys think they need to be impressive with words, when actually to be truly impressive these guys really need to just shut-up and listen. Keypoints to remember when making an approach/getting to know a woman:

1. Most women won't speak until spoken to. Make it a goal to get her to open up to you. It may take a few casual conversations over a period of time, but keep at it.
2. Most women expect guys to be socially adept, which fuels tip # 1. When it comes down to it, don't be afraid to approach her - she doesn't expect anything less. You're using this expectation to your advantage.
3. Being assertive (aggressive) in your initial approach/approaches is a turn off. And on the opposite end, so is being overly nice. Your approach needs to fall somewhere in the comfortable middle - casual and lighthearted (playful), and ALWAYS with a smile. So be aware of these two extremes - aggressive/too nice - and simply avoid them.
4. Most women, upon realizing that they are attracted to you, play hard to get to varying degrees. For the few that play it to a high degree, you are going to have to risk rejection again and again. Playing hard to get is a mind game typical of most young women (older women are usually more no-nonsense about things). Once you've realized that the woman in your sights is playing hard to get, you need to pay attention to her body language. Is she really playing hard to get? Or is she just not interested in you? If you pick up on any subtle signs of flirting, then she's probably playing hard to get. Try again ever so casually.
5. Some women like being chased and some don't. So how do you tell? Again, keep an eye on her body language. If you attempt repeated approaches, and all you ever get is a cold shoulder, this is a girl that probably doesn't want to be pursued. You can tell you're getting the cold shoulder if her words are few and she avoids eye contact.
6. In general, it's human nature to be interested in a person who shows interest in you. This goes both ways. Show sincere interest in a woman if you want the chance for her to show sincere interest in you. Just be sure not to show too much interest, because then you may easily scare her away. There is a certain zone, and that zone is this: She knows that you're checking her out, but at the same time you're giving her the impression that it's no loss to you whether or not the two of you hook up. This is the interest zone you should consider aiming for. For example, rather than ask her out on a date at the end of a friendly conversation, you can say: "Hey... If you want to hang out sometime, we can hang out sometime." Then don't say another word - give her a moment to respond. If she's open to your advances, you should now know for sure based on the response she gives.
7. Bragging/boasting is a major turn-off. Practice modesty.
8. Acting macho, chauvinistic, or too-cool are also major turn-offs. When talking to women, be sure that what you say and do doesn't reflect any of these egotistical states.
9. Fools rush in, but the pros take it slow. Like a romance novelist, take your time and build suspense. The rewards will be much greater in the end.
10. Show interest in a woman by asking her light-hearted, yet meaningful questions and listening when she speaks. Then stand back and look for her to show interest: [ Women will give you a cue if they are interested. It is a smile in the eye or a slight flirty touch when she passes you in the hall. She also may toy with her hair when she is in your presence. This is a nervous reaction that many women have when there is an attraction going on. ] - Dating Insider Forum There are no 'rules' to conversation with women. There are simply 'points'. Follow the points as we've outlined them above and you'll eventually go far. As anything else in this book, you're not going to be a star the first time you give a performance. But you now know what the performance is about. You how to read the music, how to play the music, and with practice you will have it refined. Many would say, how is this possible when for so many guys conversation is hard? The fact is, and a point made many times throughout this book when talking about women, it's the imagination at work.
Most men deceive themselves, thinking that there's something grand to an effective conversation with a woman. And with these thoughts, come illusions of self-doubt, that to have an effective conversation with a woman these guys themselves have to be grand. So don't let your imagination fool you. Read and re-read this section.

Suggested reading (free books):

Dr Paul - The Secrets Of Mature Masculine Power
David Deangelo - The Secret Files

Keywords: effective communicators  joe d pua  management success  language solutions  people aids