Q: I am always asking myself what's wrong with me because most of my relationships have failed or lead to breakups. Could there be a problem with me?
A: It's easy to blame ourselves when relationships fail. Sometimes we push others away, and sometimes they push us away. Other times there is no one at fault because the feelings simply die and the relationship naturally ends. It's also easy to lose perspective when we're in pain – all losses, big or small, produce feelings of anger, sadness and even denial to some degree. What you are feeling is normal. Let's start thinking of breakups in another way – as learning experiences. You should feel proud that you were open and vulnerable enough to give another person your love and devotion. Such vulnerability is a sign of great faith and bravery. Vulnerable people are not weak, they're strong. Love is a risky proposition, but nothing in the world can compare to the payoffs. However, no amount of energy can transform relationships that are wrong for us into ones that are right for us. Remember, every one of your relationships helps you learn more about yourself and what you want and need in a partner. In this sense, relationships that don't last are not failures. They are opportunities for learning. You will find strength, perspective, and renewed hope and optimism if you view your past relationships this way. Remember that you're attractive inside and out. That is not an opinion; it's a fact. You know this, because you've had several romantic relationships. What you might not have had yet is a romantic relationship with a truly compatible person – and that makes all the difference in the world. Short-term compatibility is not the same as long-term compatibility. It takes a strong and persistent individual to find a truly compatible person, because it takes time and knowledge to recognize long-term compatibility when you encounter it. Finding love is first finding out what you want and need for yourself, and what you have inside to give to another. That is a process, rather than merely an outcome. You can find that compatible person! Use the TRUE Compatibility Test™ to help you cull the prospects and find someone with whom you will have lasting love. Our test will not tell you whether you are going to fall madly in love with another person on a physical level, just whether it is a good idea if you do.
Q: I don't have problems meeting ladies online, and they seem to enjoy writing back and forth. I'm not at a loss for words and can usually get a date. My problem: I have worked in law enforcement most of my life and was injured in the line of duty. I live an independent life, but I look like someone with a disability, like polio, MS or CP. From my experience this can be a very big turn-off for a lot of ladies looking for Mr. Right. How can I deal with this, even after telling them the truth? This can lead to hurt feelings all the way around! Can you help?
A: First and foremost, thank you for your lifelong service in the public safety and security sector. We're deeply and aggressively committed to making online dating safer, so we especially appreciate the sacrifices you've made and are sensitive to the issues you face on a daily basis. It's crucial for you to understand that women are much more forgiving about looks than men when it comes to romantic love. Women place greater emphasis on other characteristics – like an attractive personality, sense of humor and the ability of a man to provide emotional and financial security. Look at the loving relationship the actor Christopher Reeve continued to have with his wife after his paralyzing injury. It sounds to me like you have these positive characteristics, which often outweigh the influence of physical attributes. If you agree, then emphasize these traits more in your online profile and in your conversations. What's amazing in your case is that you have all of these things to offer a prospect despite your physical limitations. This fact will make you particularly attractive to the right woman. Only by being upfront and honest about yourself will you find that right woman – one who defines Mr. Right in terms that transcend physical ability.
Good luck, and please keep us posted on what happens!
Suggested reading (pdf e-books):
Martha Kelley - Gender Differences And LeadershipJohn Shore - Seven Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships
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